Man Test

THE MAN TEST
>
> 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a
queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
Oprah diet....Faggot.
>
> 2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer--

> it
grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch
except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think
about
how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,
Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat....'Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!' Yep, you're queer.
>
> 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
> nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
> on
BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig's feet, or
tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
>
> 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
> parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
toilet;
he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
>
> 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as
Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy
Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man
there
too.
>
> 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might
as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in
his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse
you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or
denim, you are a peter puffer.
>
> 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
> to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a
slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.
>
> 8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
> because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are
> definitely
on the verge of being a salami smuggler.