How to poop at work

How to Poop at Work
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> We've all been there but don't like to admit it...
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> We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
> something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince
> ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For
> those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
> Guide for taking a dump at work.
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> *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around
> the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
> else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from.
> Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
> has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
> smell has left your pants.
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> *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before
> pooping.
>
> Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in
> the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
> become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if
> they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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> *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or
> forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
> sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
> not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a
> man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
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> pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
> uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
> makes both parties feel uneasy.
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> *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at
> a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
> diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
> Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
> spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
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> *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant
> the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
> the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
> avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.
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> *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
> door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can
> be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
> you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
> does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY
> FLUSH*.
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> *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work
> and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
> Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
> magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
> the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
> bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)
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> *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
> building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
> that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
> the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
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> *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in
> the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
> the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
> taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
> until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all
> uncomfortable eye contact.
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> *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
> into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used
> to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential
> *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with
> a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.
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> *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
> potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall.
> This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
> you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately
> so the pooper can poop in peace.
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> *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
> the toilet water. This is also an arrassing incident. If you
> feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
> *CAMO-COUGH*.
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>
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> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
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>
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> *The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
> Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty,
> trembling and purple from straining so hard.
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> * Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
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> *Cement Block* =You wish you'd gotten a spinal block
> before you poop.
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> *Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still
> floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
> happens at someone else's house.
>
>
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> *The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off
> your rear before it falls into the water.
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> *The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on
> the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
>
>
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> *The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits
> you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
>
>
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> *The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party.
> And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the
> water starts to rise...
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> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE