How fights get started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said,
'Dust.'
And that’s when the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You
should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that’s when the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I
sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that’s when the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies,
'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that’s when the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
$7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at
night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and that’s when the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the
garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can
you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that’s when the fight started ...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt
in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in
a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about
the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you
want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then
said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't
even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So
I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....